It feels a while since my last blog........................................................................
Ive been extremely busy of late and have been away alot with friends at festivals and party's getting totally wasted and i celebrated my birthday as well, i haven't had time to think about my thoughts or feelings and to process them, its all been a haze one big fun haze with no guys included. However there's been one big underlining issue that was at the back of my mind and finally progressed to the front and is causing a massive brain ache, moods swings and downers :' (............ Mr Caring has gone awol, totally disappeared. Up until a week and abit ago we was talking every night during his night shifts and he told me in a couple of weeks we was going to meet up properly as he was going to have some free time and place for us to go, excited was not the word. However since then i haven't been able to get in contact with him, its like he has disappeared of the planet and he missed my birthday, part of me knows hes gona get in contact with me, but its not like him to completely disappear like that and i am slightly worried a little. Anyway thats really bummed out my mood now, i know i have a lot to look forward to, but Mr ca ring's a really good friend and i adore our friendship really do, i would have him as a friend over any sexual encounter with him.
Mr educated is just a jar, he has been really trying bless him, but i know deep down inside its over and i see him as just a friend. For example i met with yesterday for dinner, my birthday had just passed i glam med my self up and though i looked hot, he said nothing and complained that he was ill and not in the mood and i ended up paying for more than half of the bill. Inside my chest was churning, twisting and tightening, i feel so low when I'm with him sometimes, he tried to have sex with me at least 3 times, i just lay there thinking of Mr Caring or what i have to do for the day and close my eyes. Its so sad so sad, i just don't know how to leave him, i love him as a friend i really do, but I'm no longer attracted to him i wants something soooo much more so much more powerful a connection with someone based on love, lust, affection and devotion i want Mr exciting, passionate, caring and loving! And i will get it, oh so how i will, i just need to let go first!!!! I'm going away soon for a long while abroad and i know that will be the start of something great and new and maybe just the break away me and Mr educated need, the break that will end this woeful relationship. I just hope Mr caring speaks to me before i go :' ( .
Until then I'm going to continue to plan for my trips and get lost in house music...........................................................................................................
